Whoaa, Settle Down There

So, it occurred to me yesterday that I've basically been on a 3 week bender. Sure, it may be a natural high, but that doesn't make it any less hard on the body or mind. I need to settle down and get back into the present and accept the present. I've been spending so much time focusing on future events, or reliving past events, that I almost forgot that now is really all that exists, so may as well enjoy it. Certainly no amount of wishing, yearning, or longing, is going to bring the future any closer or the past back to life. All that wishing, yearning and longing does, is wear the fuck out of me and tie my stomach in knots. I haven't even set aside 20 minutes to sit for over a week, I'm sure thats not helping.

So, here it is. Reality check. Now is now so I better enjoy it. There's still plenty of things to do now, here. No need to predict or to reclaim or to prepare for a million possible outcomes. I'd be better off focusing my attention on now, to ensure that I'm making the best decisions right now.

Now the snag is, despite my mind accepting this, my body still hasn't fully absorbed the feeling. Basically that knot in my stomach, yea it's still there. Convincing the body will take subtlety, concentration, and a bit of time. It's likely worth the effort though because I certainly can't go through the next two weeks sustaining this feeling.

Hello me

Ahh sweet solitude. You may not be the best company but what clarity you provide. Isn't it nice to hear your thoughts and your thoughts alone without the intermingling of those around you. It's times like this when you get to preform the ol' sanity check. The ol, wtf am I doing? Am I sure wtf I am doing? It's an important question, especially during tansitory phases in life. And so I test the water... what do you think solitude?

You're doing the right thing and you know it. Don't you feel alive? Haven't you reclaimed some part of yourself which was lost long ago? Isn't that a smile on your face? I'm with you 100%, my only advice is that you don't forget current obligations for the sake of the future. In other words, even I am appauled at your slackerdom at work. Funny that your house is clean yet your inbox is full of red flags. What a switch!

And thats about as much objective self criticism as I'm willing to take in one sitting. The truth is there though, there is really no doubt. They say when taking a test your first answer is probably the correct one. Yet I find myself second guessing and checking my answer over and over, yet even the second guess arrives at the same conclusion. I have confidance in my answer.

Er... Hi, me again, one more thing to say....

I thought I was done with you? Do you even read what I write?

Well... yes but this is important. Once again you are excersizing your bad habit of pointing fingers. If you're the one going through major changes, and suddenly there is drama in your life, perhaps instead of pointing your fingers at external circumstance, I suggest a mirror.

It's true. If a bullfighter goes head on with the bull, is anyone going to feel sorry for him? He's compeltely at fault. The correct action is to step out of the bull's path. Thats something I've needed to learn for a long time. Rather then approach confrontation head on, perhaps it's best to let it slide and realize that prespective in the present can be skewed, and many things are forgotten in very little time. I don't need to defend my position, and I certainly don't need to educate anyone. Tough lesson to learn.