We will consult: The Fingers

Once upon a time, I chased girls, who doesn't? I chased some girls for the wrong reasons. No question. It's hard to feel good about it, and surely I'm part of the reason why some women think men are scum. Sometimes it's confusing, but I think tidbits bubble out of the sub-conscious, like seeing the weather on a distant horizon.

Once I was chasing a particular girl, who I've since had a chance to apologize to unlike some who are long gone. I was working on a construction team, renovating apartments. I nearly effortlessly scribbled this on the floor, it seemed to come out so naturally I still remember it by heart.

Long summer nights seem short
When exiled with one so loved
Nothing to do but court
You're latest beautiful dove
Until she bows on hands and knees and worships you as the sky
You're lies have won one over again
Yet in guilt all you want is to die

I thought, well, that's pretty good, but do I really feel that way? Obviously I never showed her that. I tucked it away, thinking it was just randomly inspired. Read: Denial. Even though I don't have that poem written down anywhere, I've remembered it for ~8 years.

Sometimes it's still hard to know if I'm hungry or I'm just looking for blood. When a cat runs, a dog will chase it, you know? Who's to say what I'm keeping from myself.

I haven't been able to focus at work all week. I've done nearly nothing. There's only so much room for all this shit in my head, so when words began to form, fingers began to type. Filters off. I'm almost afraid who might read this, but thats the whole point of this blog. Feelings are a dangerous thing to have in this world, especially for a man, but I'm getting tired of living in a shell.

It's heavy, it's soft
Senses having trouble
I'm big, I'm small
Thoughts are racing double

Green grass I knew
No matter how I lie
Not brown, Not dead
You're new
Sea of green I can't deny

Blue sky it's true
No matter how I try
Not gray, Not red
You're you
It's nothing but Blue sky

Formless clouds you too
Shaping in my eye
Not this, Not that
Always new
All shapes formed do die

Its massive, dense and delicate
A lucent sheen cuts through
Tastes like love and smells like home
With room inside for two

The clouds can be our pillows
The sky can be our view
The grass can be our bed
In a dream we drew

Patience

Patience is something nearly everyone can work on. Certainly I could use some practice, and practice is what I'm getting. It's one of those days where I could jump in my car after work and just keep driving until I hit warmth. Yet even that fantasy has it's massive gaping holes, sending me right back into the merciless bosom of the wait. In one sense driving off would avoid the need for patience at work, where I need it right now, yet in another sense I'll still be waiting.

Waiting for something causes anxiety. Anxiety causes time to slow down. Time slowing down increases the duration of the wait, further fueling the anxiety, and so it goes. I suppose the limit will be when time comes to a complete halt and my stomach implodes from the tension.

Then again, perhaps the waiting is just a scapegoat. It's easy to shoot the messenger. Perhaps the real culprit is the desire. Let go of the desire and there is nothing to wait for. That would be the Buddhist solution. However right now it seems like another cop out. Reminds me of someone who chooses not to play a game because they can't always win. Is this particular desire quellable? What if ignoring it removes the wait for a while, and replaces it with a wait for the rest of my life? Yet now that I read that, it just sounds like fear.

On the upside, at least I feel engaged. I am inspired to do and create which is a welcome change from the past few years. Almost like an infusion of restless energy, which definitely has it's ups and downs. It's an odd mix. I feel like I'm practically bouncing off the walls, yet at the same time I must do so alone. No one really wants to know and I couldn't communicate anyway. After having a fist full of life forced in my face, it seems inconceivable to go back to shooting the shit and getting high. I suppose once you get a taste of gourmet you never go back. And so I wait.

Zero Concentration

It's true, I'm supposed to be fixing a security leak on some of my .asp pages right now. Problem is, I can't keep a straight thought in my head. There are too many completely unrelated questions bouncing around up there to even attempt to dissect some random dudes database queries. I'm not normally one for planning, but here I am attempting to cook one up. Catch is, these damn unanswered, and as of yet unasked, questions.

I'm not normally one to try to manipulate the natural course of events, but when you've been out to sea this long and you spot some land I it might be time to think about adjusting the sails a bit. However, before you land your boat and potentially risk the entire crew, it would be prudent to scout the area. Thus we arrive at questions, questions that need answers.

I'm fully prepared for this land to be hostile, uninhabitable, or over-crowded, and if such is the case, I will have no qualms setting sail once again. However sailing by without at least an investigation seems like folly, especially when the wind seems to be blowing me in anyway. All it takes is one act of bravery to scout the shore. Sure nobody wants to get devoured by wild beasts, but perhaps this is one of those times when the risk is worth the potential gain.

long slow strokes

the chips fall where they may
but where they lay they'll stay
no second chance on days long past
but lessons learned and paid do last
and wisdom gleaned can hold us fast
we splash around we're sure to drown
relax, dont pray, let's float away

WoW cancelled

So the real question is, now WTF do I do with myself? So I'm on WoW boards and I read that even the new BG loot is going to require arena rating. Fuck arenas man. There is nothing MMO or RPG about arena.

So I continue reading the many many posts that clearly explain why arenas suck and how the arena focus is damaging the game. In one particularly long thread a CM (community manager, aka Blizzard representative) actually has the balls to say, and I quote, "People who say arenas suck don't actually think arenas suck." and goes on to explain they usually have a problem with something "related" to arena. Fuck that man. I think arenas suck.

Then some random poster says something fairly rude like "You're just a peon towing the company line". It wasn't exactly that, but that's the just of it and he definitely called the CM, Drysc, a peon. A good CM would just delete the post, maybe give the person a ban, and STFU. What does Drysc do? He fucking has the nuts to post "Enjoy your 3-day vacation. I post what I want. I say what I want." He fucking said that?! WTF. So I posted and said "Anyone who knows anything about public relations knows that you are either A) Lying or B) delusional. Where do you get off telling me whether or not I think arenas suck? Guess what? I think arenas suck."

I then replied in someone else's "I quit because of arena ratings on BG gear" thread. I even commented that as I was going to the WoW page I was assaulted by they're "JOIN ARENA TOURNAMENT!" splash page. GAH!

Shortly after I received a ban from the forum and all my posts were deleted. WTF? I didn't even swear or anything, I thought I was being quite reasonable, much more reasonable then many of the posters I see getting away with all kinds of shit every day. But hey, I called out a CM and he took it personal, what a dipshit. Drysc will be gone soon, he's just another Tseric / Gfraizer who's getting too big for his britches. Whatever.....

Point is, fuck WoW, fuck arena, and most of all, fuck the cesspool that is WoW forums.

Except now I'm realizing, video games are mostly pretty boring unless you're playing with friends. The only friends I know who game.... are all playing WoW. lol? I need a new hobby.

Ok, I have to get back to work. Stupid webpage is breaking my mind so I needed to procrastinate somehow. Since Lauren doesn't seem to be blogging anymore, and the WoW forums suck balls, the Buddhist forums are a giant hairsplitting contest, www.whatreallyhappened.com is completely one sided and even when you do find some good information it's usually mega depressing, even the Hellgate boards are no fun to troll anymore because all the other trolls left long ago. Basically all the ways I used to procrastinate, aren't cutting it. Now all I can do is rant on this blog. Huzzah.

/end rant

Obsession as Usual

I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I'm fuckin obsessed with Blade Runner. It's been non-stop for a few days between repeating the soundtrack and the film itself. I'm actually watching it at work :O

Something about a dystopian hopeless future, a deadbeat cop, societal persecution, and contemplation on the meaning of existence, totally appeals to me. The fact that there are no heroes, and no villains in this movie I find interesting. It's just a bunch of people who are all set against each other due to circumstances well beyond their control. It's got a very real feeling about it because of this. It's not your typical hero defeats bad guys and gets the girl movie. Not at all. Even the end of the movie is nothing like your typical ending. Lots of things are uncertain and there is nothing resolved, if anything there are just more questions.

When I was finishing and for the year or two after I just got out of high school, I was completely obsessed with Fight Club. I related to the main character a lot. Now it seems my new obsession is Blade Runner, where I also relate to the main character somehow.

Alternate Viewpoint

On 2nd thought, half the time I don't even know what the fuck I think.

The previous post sounds like another cop out. I can't make changes because I believe in death and Buddhism said if I believe in death I am doomed to a life of sense seeking. Fuck that. There's no reason not to make changes now that will benefit me for the rest of my ~40 years of life. Just because death is the end doesn't mean I have to be a slave to addiction.

You know, addiction isn't even my only problem. It's a close tie with being extremely lazy. So lazy I can barely keep up with day to day tasks like paying the bills and taking care of my cat.

Sometimes I think these traits are problems which cause me distress. However... I'm not so sure today. Can't I drink a cup of coffee full well acknowledging that it is unhealthy for me yet enjoy it anyway? Does this force me to be incongruent with my ideal self?

Maybe it's time to adjust the ideal self instead of trying to adjust self to match the ideal. But then.... isn't that just another cop out? Just another easy way out of not having to change or improve.

I have no facking idea.