All Give and No Take

And maybe that's the secret to a long lasting and fulfilling relationship. I know I've tried doing what I should, I've tried taking what I can, I've even tried a low effort mutually beneficial relationship thinking, how could this have a down side?

However now things seem different. If seeing a smile on her face is enough to make me happy, then it's in my best interests to give with everything I have, completely, and selflessly. It's in my best interests not to think, how can I get what I want from this person, but instead think, how can I get this person what they want. Sure, this mentality may end up with me being a doormat, in which case the relationship was doomed from the start. However if this is reciprocated, that is something truly special. Giving feels so good, and receiving that which is given freely feels even better. To hell with taking, demanding, expecting, and deserving.

This is a strange concept in a culture of greed. In a dog eat dog culture of competition, of each man for himself, of having to take what you want in this world. Perhaps we're doing it all wrong. I give freely to my cat everyday without a second thought, and he adores me for it. His freely given adoration is much better then anything I could take from him, and from this perspective it seems so obvious and simple. However the ego is always afraid, particularly of other humans who could be perceived as equal or even superior and it is this fear which is the source of selfishness.

A society in which everyone gave freely all which they could, would this not be considered utopia? And if you extend that same reasoning of freely giving resulting in utopia to a partnership, if you could find a person whom you cared so much for that you would give everything, and whom cared so much back that they would simply return the gesture, would that not be perfect happiness? Time will tell.

Whoaa, Settle Down There

So, it occurred to me yesterday that I've basically been on a 3 week bender. Sure, it may be a natural high, but that doesn't make it any less hard on the body or mind. I need to settle down and get back into the present and accept the present. I've been spending so much time focusing on future events, or reliving past events, that I almost forgot that now is really all that exists, so may as well enjoy it. Certainly no amount of wishing, yearning, or longing, is going to bring the future any closer or the past back to life. All that wishing, yearning and longing does, is wear the fuck out of me and tie my stomach in knots. I haven't even set aside 20 minutes to sit for over a week, I'm sure thats not helping.

So, here it is. Reality check. Now is now so I better enjoy it. There's still plenty of things to do now, here. No need to predict or to reclaim or to prepare for a million possible outcomes. I'd be better off focusing my attention on now, to ensure that I'm making the best decisions right now.

Now the snag is, despite my mind accepting this, my body still hasn't fully absorbed the feeling. Basically that knot in my stomach, yea it's still there. Convincing the body will take subtlety, concentration, and a bit of time. It's likely worth the effort though because I certainly can't go through the next two weeks sustaining this feeling.

Hello me

Ahh sweet solitude. You may not be the best company but what clarity you provide. Isn't it nice to hear your thoughts and your thoughts alone without the intermingling of those around you. It's times like this when you get to preform the ol' sanity check. The ol, wtf am I doing? Am I sure wtf I am doing? It's an important question, especially during tansitory phases in life. And so I test the water... what do you think solitude?

You're doing the right thing and you know it. Don't you feel alive? Haven't you reclaimed some part of yourself which was lost long ago? Isn't that a smile on your face? I'm with you 100%, my only advice is that you don't forget current obligations for the sake of the future. In other words, even I am appauled at your slackerdom at work. Funny that your house is clean yet your inbox is full of red flags. What a switch!

And thats about as much objective self criticism as I'm willing to take in one sitting. The truth is there though, there is really no doubt. They say when taking a test your first answer is probably the correct one. Yet I find myself second guessing and checking my answer over and over, yet even the second guess arrives at the same conclusion. I have confidance in my answer.

Er... Hi, me again, one more thing to say....

I thought I was done with you? Do you even read what I write?

Well... yes but this is important. Once again you are excersizing your bad habit of pointing fingers. If you're the one going through major changes, and suddenly there is drama in your life, perhaps instead of pointing your fingers at external circumstance, I suggest a mirror.

It's true. If a bullfighter goes head on with the bull, is anyone going to feel sorry for him? He's compeltely at fault. The correct action is to step out of the bull's path. Thats something I've needed to learn for a long time. Rather then approach confrontation head on, perhaps it's best to let it slide and realize that prespective in the present can be skewed, and many things are forgotten in very little time. I don't need to defend my position, and I certainly don't need to educate anyone. Tough lesson to learn.