Twist

Ride the wind, it will take you
Flow like water to low ground
Against erosion what can you do
Digging in you'll only drown

Confrontation ends in grief
Where they advance the wise retreat
Flowing free where walls are weak
Acceptance always bring releif

Paradise

That's how I would describe the past week or two. Complete paradise. Being unemployed, leisurely wasting the hours away with my hobbies and my love. What could be better?

However, as with all highs, this paradise comes with a cost. The cost being that it is a result of external elements in the physical world. It is subject to change, as all things are. Money could run out, we could be evicted, even arrested, and at the very worst, one of us could die. Such is life. What goes up, must come down.

It is important to enjoy the good times as they are given to us. It is easy to get lost in the fear of "what if this ends?" which hinders any enjoyment of the circumstances provided to us. To truly enjoy, we must be without fear. It is not a question of "what if this ends" anyway, the real question is, when will this end, for it will, as all things do. For the most part this is completely out of anyone's hands and is not worth concerning ourselves about.

What is important is to pay attention to how things are now, at this time. Not in the future, not in the past, but right here in front of us. This applies to all circumstances. The past is but a story and the future just a dream, what is here, now, is real.

The ego is ignorant, and it is easy to let it make us miserable with it's desires. The ego's desires can never be completely satisfied, it will always want more and it will always want to possess and secure what it has, often at great cost.

When I begin to forget this, I like to find a quiet place to sit where I can be alone and think, I am well fed, I am warm, I am alive and breathing, this is as good as it gets.

All Give and No Take

And maybe that's the secret to a long lasting and fulfilling relationship. I know I've tried doing what I should, I've tried taking what I can, I've even tried a low effort mutually beneficial relationship thinking, how could this have a down side?

However now things seem different. If seeing a smile on her face is enough to make me happy, then it's in my best interests to give with everything I have, completely, and selflessly. It's in my best interests not to think, how can I get what I want from this person, but instead think, how can I get this person what they want. Sure, this mentality may end up with me being a doormat, in which case the relationship was doomed from the start. However if this is reciprocated, that is something truly special. Giving feels so good, and receiving that which is given freely feels even better. To hell with taking, demanding, expecting, and deserving.

This is a strange concept in a culture of greed. In a dog eat dog culture of competition, of each man for himself, of having to take what you want in this world. Perhaps we're doing it all wrong. I give freely to my cat everyday without a second thought, and he adores me for it. His freely given adoration is much better then anything I could take from him, and from this perspective it seems so obvious and simple. However the ego is always afraid, particularly of other humans who could be perceived as equal or even superior and it is this fear which is the source of selfishness.

A society in which everyone gave freely all which they could, would this not be considered utopia? And if you extend that same reasoning of freely giving resulting in utopia to a partnership, if you could find a person whom you cared so much for that you would give everything, and whom cared so much back that they would simply return the gesture, would that not be perfect happiness? Time will tell.

Whoaa, Settle Down There

So, it occurred to me yesterday that I've basically been on a 3 week bender. Sure, it may be a natural high, but that doesn't make it any less hard on the body or mind. I need to settle down and get back into the present and accept the present. I've been spending so much time focusing on future events, or reliving past events, that I almost forgot that now is really all that exists, so may as well enjoy it. Certainly no amount of wishing, yearning, or longing, is going to bring the future any closer or the past back to life. All that wishing, yearning and longing does, is wear the fuck out of me and tie my stomach in knots. I haven't even set aside 20 minutes to sit for over a week, I'm sure thats not helping.

So, here it is. Reality check. Now is now so I better enjoy it. There's still plenty of things to do now, here. No need to predict or to reclaim or to prepare for a million possible outcomes. I'd be better off focusing my attention on now, to ensure that I'm making the best decisions right now.

Now the snag is, despite my mind accepting this, my body still hasn't fully absorbed the feeling. Basically that knot in my stomach, yea it's still there. Convincing the body will take subtlety, concentration, and a bit of time. It's likely worth the effort though because I certainly can't go through the next two weeks sustaining this feeling.

Hello me

Ahh sweet solitude. You may not be the best company but what clarity you provide. Isn't it nice to hear your thoughts and your thoughts alone without the intermingling of those around you. It's times like this when you get to preform the ol' sanity check. The ol, wtf am I doing? Am I sure wtf I am doing? It's an important question, especially during tansitory phases in life. And so I test the water... what do you think solitude?

You're doing the right thing and you know it. Don't you feel alive? Haven't you reclaimed some part of yourself which was lost long ago? Isn't that a smile on your face? I'm with you 100%, my only advice is that you don't forget current obligations for the sake of the future. In other words, even I am appauled at your slackerdom at work. Funny that your house is clean yet your inbox is full of red flags. What a switch!

And thats about as much objective self criticism as I'm willing to take in one sitting. The truth is there though, there is really no doubt. They say when taking a test your first answer is probably the correct one. Yet I find myself second guessing and checking my answer over and over, yet even the second guess arrives at the same conclusion. I have confidance in my answer.

Er... Hi, me again, one more thing to say....

I thought I was done with you? Do you even read what I write?

Well... yes but this is important. Once again you are excersizing your bad habit of pointing fingers. If you're the one going through major changes, and suddenly there is drama in your life, perhaps instead of pointing your fingers at external circumstance, I suggest a mirror.

It's true. If a bullfighter goes head on with the bull, is anyone going to feel sorry for him? He's compeltely at fault. The correct action is to step out of the bull's path. Thats something I've needed to learn for a long time. Rather then approach confrontation head on, perhaps it's best to let it slide and realize that prespective in the present can be skewed, and many things are forgotten in very little time. I don't need to defend my position, and I certainly don't need to educate anyone. Tough lesson to learn.

Karma

I was reading an interesting topic on the Buddhist forum I sometimes go to (www.lioncity.net/buddhism) which began by asking, if everything is the result of Karma, how do you explain to a mother of a handicapped child that this is a result of the kids past life's karma?

It is hard to believe that past lives affect the current one isn't it? Thats the one thing about Buddhism that I have trouble with. Certain Zen schools do away with the issue by simply saying it is neither skillful, nor a beneficial usage of time to concern yourself with past lives and understanding details of Karma. I tend to agree with that mentality since there's really nothing we can do except speculate.

I tend to think that the idea of rebirth is kind of thrown in to make Karma work when people try to interpret Karma in a very literal and physical sense. For example, someone could do nothing but good deeds their whole life, yet end up getting served shit on a stick everytime, and die young. How can Karma be real in a literal and physical sense if this can happen? So the idea of rebirth gets put in for two reasons, firstly, motivation to be good since it "appears" Karma may not ripen in this life, rebirth is required to motivate someone to be a good person, and likewise, rebirth is required to motivate someone to not be a bad person.

However, people shoot holes in this too, they ask, if it's not "me" who's going to be reborn (since, in Buddhism there is no self, yet there is rebirth, which is extremely confusing...) then why do I care if some future version of me has to experience my bad Karma?

There are various responses to this. It isn't you that is reborn but at the same time it is, is one which is particularily tricky to explain. Another response is, if you only care about you, and not your future self, then why would you care about any creatures around you? Why not just go kill a cat? Of course this results in people saying, yea, why don't I just go kill a cat? Why does anything matter?

I think it can be simplified without even stating whether or not rebirth is a fact. If you believe there is a future you, and you do things which you believe could generate bad Karma for that future you, then that is bad Karma in itself. However, this is sort of a circular argument if you believe Karma will not ripen in one lifetime.

My personal take on Karma, which is probably not the official accepted belief is this: I suspect Karma does ripen in this lifetime. It does not however need to manifest itself in the physical world. It will however manifest itself through positive and negative states of mind. I'm not even talking about concious guilt or anything, but I just think it affects the way we think, which affects our actions, which in turn affects the outcome of events.

You ever play a game where you get halo's or horns as points depending on what you do? Saw a racing game once, if you ran people over you got horns, if you avoided them you got halos. If you kill a bug, you may not ever feel conciously guilty about it, but I think it puts a seed of aggression in you. If enough seeds of aggression ripen into an action, there may be negative consequences. It's also kind of like crossing lines. Have you ever noticed that once you cross a line, it's always easier to cross again? Like stealing, you steal once, it's hard, you're nervous, but if everything goes right (and assuming you don't feel too guilty, or maybe even if you do) it's easier to do it again. This is also like helping strangers, easier to do if you do it often. Not only is the same line easier to cross, but crossing a line also makes similar lines easier to cross. This is the entire theory behind gateway drugs, try one, you cross that line and may be tempted to try harder drugs. Or back to the stealing example, maybe first you steal a pop, then you steal a magazine, then you steal movies, clothes, video games, and so on. Maybe first you kill a bug, maybe next it's a cattapillar, maybe next a frog, where are you going to draw that line in the sand? In this sense, Karma does ripen in our life time, just not in a direct and physical way. Just because I randomly punch someone in the face doesn't mean I'll get punched in the face, it will however put a negative spin on my thoughts which will result in a negative outcome to my actions.

As far as the original question, how does Karma come into play when a child is born handicapped? I don't think it does, in most cases. If the doctor preforming the delivery comes in drunk and the kid becomes handicapped as a result of a mistake, well... thats got nothing to do with the kid's Karma, and everything to do with the Doctor's Karma. Either way, it's the kid's choice to take his life and turn it into something positive or something negative. Sure, this means some peoples lives may be harder then others, but at the same time, succeeding through a hard life would also be much more rewarding don't you think? It's like betting double or nothing.

Click

Anyone who remembers "The Princess Bride" will remember Wesley, Buttercup, and the idea of true love. Once upon a time, before I knew women, I believed in this ideal. I thought I'd meet a girl and the love would smack me in the face like a ton of bricks and we'd just be happy together.

My first intimate relationship ended on a very black note. It made me wonder, what if I was incapable of love, or it did not exist at all. What if all there was to relationships was desire and needs which had to be fulfilled for both parties.

This idea of needs being met turned my next major relationship into one giant power struggle. Who could get more out of the other person? Who needed to put forth the effort, and who was the one worth putting forth effort for, were key issues. In hindsight, in that particular relationship, I'm pretty sure I got the short end of the stick. I was the one working to impress someone who felt they had settled on someone less then ideal. I was working emotional double shifts for someone who wasn't interested in me for essentially, a trophy. A beautiful prize that I could call my own and take pride in. Boy was I wrong. As the relationship began to become impossibly complicated, the lines of communication slowly erroded to the point where talking with my girl friend was alot like praying. I ended up finding out the hard way that she didn't give a shit about me, kinda like god!

And so it was that I was received into the arms of a woman whom I have much respect for. After the previous debacle, the idea of emotions being involved in a relationship at all seemed wrong. I'd gotten so hopeless as to think a relationship was nothing but a functional domestic team. So I ended up driving, fixing the electronics, and providing reassurance to trivial worries, she mostly cooked and cleaned. We functioned fairly well, but something was missing. It felt like a cold relationship, without passion and little feeling. I rationalized by thinking this is normal as people grow older and more jaded. I began to feel like, this is as good as it gets, like it or leave it. In the end I wanted to leave it. It's hard though, leaving a relationship that really isn't that bad, especially when there's really nothing wrong with the other person. Of course nobody believes you when you say "It's not you, it's me." but that was the truth. I'm positive she's a great girl for someone, I'm just not that person. Being unable to leave, and dragging the relationship out a bit more then I needed too probably resulted in a lot of tension and heartache which could have been avoided, I'll admit that. I'm sure no saint.

Now? Now I think, the physical needs aren't what makes a relationship strong. Being functional in the material world is not an issue for me. I have been and can continue to take care of myself perfectly fine, so why would I look for a mother? Now I realize I need to have my mind engaged, I need to have thoughts provoked. I want someone who understands that I think life is about thoughts, feelings, and ideas, not money, houses, and things. I want someone who makes me feel like there is more to life then being jaded for the sake of protecting yourself. Someone who is interested in seeing the walls come down even though sometimes things get through that hurt. Building an impregnable fortress of walls to protect yourself from the onslaught of your common man doesn't sound like a happy way to live out my days. Those same walls that are intended to keep out pain also keep out many good things. I want someone who can feel and enjoy right now instead of always looking to the future. I want someone to show me the good and the beautiful parts of life and maybe even to appreciate the idea that sometimes things, people, don't have to make sense. If everything made sense, and was easily analyzed and categorized, I definately would be bored.

And what if I found these things? What if I found these things and more? Would it hit me in the face like a ton of bricks? Would I be able to say, this is the girl for me for sure?

It makes me think of tanking. When the World of Warcraft expansion came out, I was the newbiest 60 warrior ever. I'd never really tanked anything challenging and I pretty much sucked. Nothing changed for a while, I just kept sucking, until one day, it just kind of clicked. I realized I'd been too focused on certain aspects that weren't important and not focused enough on other aspects that I didn't even realize were an issue. Ever since, tanking has been great instead of an uphill battle. People even regularily tell me what a great tank I am, huzzah.

Thats how I feel about life right now. An overwhelming sense of "Ohhh so that's how it's supposed to go!". A feeling like, from here on out things will be alot clearer. It clicked.