Click

Anyone who remembers "The Princess Bride" will remember Wesley, Buttercup, and the idea of true love. Once upon a time, before I knew women, I believed in this ideal. I thought I'd meet a girl and the love would smack me in the face like a ton of bricks and we'd just be happy together.

My first intimate relationship ended on a very black note. It made me wonder, what if I was incapable of love, or it did not exist at all. What if all there was to relationships was desire and needs which had to be fulfilled for both parties.

This idea of needs being met turned my next major relationship into one giant power struggle. Who could get more out of the other person? Who needed to put forth the effort, and who was the one worth putting forth effort for, were key issues. In hindsight, in that particular relationship, I'm pretty sure I got the short end of the stick. I was the one working to impress someone who felt they had settled on someone less then ideal. I was working emotional double shifts for someone who wasn't interested in me for essentially, a trophy. A beautiful prize that I could call my own and take pride in. Boy was I wrong. As the relationship began to become impossibly complicated, the lines of communication slowly erroded to the point where talking with my girl friend was alot like praying. I ended up finding out the hard way that she didn't give a shit about me, kinda like god!

And so it was that I was received into the arms of a woman whom I have much respect for. After the previous debacle, the idea of emotions being involved in a relationship at all seemed wrong. I'd gotten so hopeless as to think a relationship was nothing but a functional domestic team. So I ended up driving, fixing the electronics, and providing reassurance to trivial worries, she mostly cooked and cleaned. We functioned fairly well, but something was missing. It felt like a cold relationship, without passion and little feeling. I rationalized by thinking this is normal as people grow older and more jaded. I began to feel like, this is as good as it gets, like it or leave it. In the end I wanted to leave it. It's hard though, leaving a relationship that really isn't that bad, especially when there's really nothing wrong with the other person. Of course nobody believes you when you say "It's not you, it's me." but that was the truth. I'm positive she's a great girl for someone, I'm just not that person. Being unable to leave, and dragging the relationship out a bit more then I needed too probably resulted in a lot of tension and heartache which could have been avoided, I'll admit that. I'm sure no saint.

Now? Now I think, the physical needs aren't what makes a relationship strong. Being functional in the material world is not an issue for me. I have been and can continue to take care of myself perfectly fine, so why would I look for a mother? Now I realize I need to have my mind engaged, I need to have thoughts provoked. I want someone who understands that I think life is about thoughts, feelings, and ideas, not money, houses, and things. I want someone who makes me feel like there is more to life then being jaded for the sake of protecting yourself. Someone who is interested in seeing the walls come down even though sometimes things get through that hurt. Building an impregnable fortress of walls to protect yourself from the onslaught of your common man doesn't sound like a happy way to live out my days. Those same walls that are intended to keep out pain also keep out many good things. I want someone who can feel and enjoy right now instead of always looking to the future. I want someone to show me the good and the beautiful parts of life and maybe even to appreciate the idea that sometimes things, people, don't have to make sense. If everything made sense, and was easily analyzed and categorized, I definately would be bored.

And what if I found these things? What if I found these things and more? Would it hit me in the face like a ton of bricks? Would I be able to say, this is the girl for me for sure?

It makes me think of tanking. When the World of Warcraft expansion came out, I was the newbiest 60 warrior ever. I'd never really tanked anything challenging and I pretty much sucked. Nothing changed for a while, I just kept sucking, until one day, it just kind of clicked. I realized I'd been too focused on certain aspects that weren't important and not focused enough on other aspects that I didn't even realize were an issue. Ever since, tanking has been great instead of an uphill battle. People even regularily tell me what a great tank I am, huzzah.

Thats how I feel about life right now. An overwhelming sense of "Ohhh so that's how it's supposed to go!". A feeling like, from here on out things will be alot clearer. It clicked.