Karma

I was reading an interesting topic on the Buddhist forum I sometimes go to (www.lioncity.net/buddhism) which began by asking, if everything is the result of Karma, how do you explain to a mother of a handicapped child that this is a result of the kids past life's karma?

It is hard to believe that past lives affect the current one isn't it? Thats the one thing about Buddhism that I have trouble with. Certain Zen schools do away with the issue by simply saying it is neither skillful, nor a beneficial usage of time to concern yourself with past lives and understanding details of Karma. I tend to agree with that mentality since there's really nothing we can do except speculate.

I tend to think that the idea of rebirth is kind of thrown in to make Karma work when people try to interpret Karma in a very literal and physical sense. For example, someone could do nothing but good deeds their whole life, yet end up getting served shit on a stick everytime, and die young. How can Karma be real in a literal and physical sense if this can happen? So the idea of rebirth gets put in for two reasons, firstly, motivation to be good since it "appears" Karma may not ripen in this life, rebirth is required to motivate someone to be a good person, and likewise, rebirth is required to motivate someone to not be a bad person.

However, people shoot holes in this too, they ask, if it's not "me" who's going to be reborn (since, in Buddhism there is no self, yet there is rebirth, which is extremely confusing...) then why do I care if some future version of me has to experience my bad Karma?

There are various responses to this. It isn't you that is reborn but at the same time it is, is one which is particularily tricky to explain. Another response is, if you only care about you, and not your future self, then why would you care about any creatures around you? Why not just go kill a cat? Of course this results in people saying, yea, why don't I just go kill a cat? Why does anything matter?

I think it can be simplified without even stating whether or not rebirth is a fact. If you believe there is a future you, and you do things which you believe could generate bad Karma for that future you, then that is bad Karma in itself. However, this is sort of a circular argument if you believe Karma will not ripen in one lifetime.

My personal take on Karma, which is probably not the official accepted belief is this: I suspect Karma does ripen in this lifetime. It does not however need to manifest itself in the physical world. It will however manifest itself through positive and negative states of mind. I'm not even talking about concious guilt or anything, but I just think it affects the way we think, which affects our actions, which in turn affects the outcome of events.

You ever play a game where you get halo's or horns as points depending on what you do? Saw a racing game once, if you ran people over you got horns, if you avoided them you got halos. If you kill a bug, you may not ever feel conciously guilty about it, but I think it puts a seed of aggression in you. If enough seeds of aggression ripen into an action, there may be negative consequences. It's also kind of like crossing lines. Have you ever noticed that once you cross a line, it's always easier to cross again? Like stealing, you steal once, it's hard, you're nervous, but if everything goes right (and assuming you don't feel too guilty, or maybe even if you do) it's easier to do it again. This is also like helping strangers, easier to do if you do it often. Not only is the same line easier to cross, but crossing a line also makes similar lines easier to cross. This is the entire theory behind gateway drugs, try one, you cross that line and may be tempted to try harder drugs. Or back to the stealing example, maybe first you steal a pop, then you steal a magazine, then you steal movies, clothes, video games, and so on. Maybe first you kill a bug, maybe next it's a cattapillar, maybe next a frog, where are you going to draw that line in the sand? In this sense, Karma does ripen in our life time, just not in a direct and physical way. Just because I randomly punch someone in the face doesn't mean I'll get punched in the face, it will however put a negative spin on my thoughts which will result in a negative outcome to my actions.

As far as the original question, how does Karma come into play when a child is born handicapped? I don't think it does, in most cases. If the doctor preforming the delivery comes in drunk and the kid becomes handicapped as a result of a mistake, well... thats got nothing to do with the kid's Karma, and everything to do with the Doctor's Karma. Either way, it's the kid's choice to take his life and turn it into something positive or something negative. Sure, this means some peoples lives may be harder then others, but at the same time, succeeding through a hard life would also be much more rewarding don't you think? It's like betting double or nothing.

Click

Anyone who remembers "The Princess Bride" will remember Wesley, Buttercup, and the idea of true love. Once upon a time, before I knew women, I believed in this ideal. I thought I'd meet a girl and the love would smack me in the face like a ton of bricks and we'd just be happy together.

My first intimate relationship ended on a very black note. It made me wonder, what if I was incapable of love, or it did not exist at all. What if all there was to relationships was desire and needs which had to be fulfilled for both parties.

This idea of needs being met turned my next major relationship into one giant power struggle. Who could get more out of the other person? Who needed to put forth the effort, and who was the one worth putting forth effort for, were key issues. In hindsight, in that particular relationship, I'm pretty sure I got the short end of the stick. I was the one working to impress someone who felt they had settled on someone less then ideal. I was working emotional double shifts for someone who wasn't interested in me for essentially, a trophy. A beautiful prize that I could call my own and take pride in. Boy was I wrong. As the relationship began to become impossibly complicated, the lines of communication slowly erroded to the point where talking with my girl friend was alot like praying. I ended up finding out the hard way that she didn't give a shit about me, kinda like god!

And so it was that I was received into the arms of a woman whom I have much respect for. After the previous debacle, the idea of emotions being involved in a relationship at all seemed wrong. I'd gotten so hopeless as to think a relationship was nothing but a functional domestic team. So I ended up driving, fixing the electronics, and providing reassurance to trivial worries, she mostly cooked and cleaned. We functioned fairly well, but something was missing. It felt like a cold relationship, without passion and little feeling. I rationalized by thinking this is normal as people grow older and more jaded. I began to feel like, this is as good as it gets, like it or leave it. In the end I wanted to leave it. It's hard though, leaving a relationship that really isn't that bad, especially when there's really nothing wrong with the other person. Of course nobody believes you when you say "It's not you, it's me." but that was the truth. I'm positive she's a great girl for someone, I'm just not that person. Being unable to leave, and dragging the relationship out a bit more then I needed too probably resulted in a lot of tension and heartache which could have been avoided, I'll admit that. I'm sure no saint.

Now? Now I think, the physical needs aren't what makes a relationship strong. Being functional in the material world is not an issue for me. I have been and can continue to take care of myself perfectly fine, so why would I look for a mother? Now I realize I need to have my mind engaged, I need to have thoughts provoked. I want someone who understands that I think life is about thoughts, feelings, and ideas, not money, houses, and things. I want someone who makes me feel like there is more to life then being jaded for the sake of protecting yourself. Someone who is interested in seeing the walls come down even though sometimes things get through that hurt. Building an impregnable fortress of walls to protect yourself from the onslaught of your common man doesn't sound like a happy way to live out my days. Those same walls that are intended to keep out pain also keep out many good things. I want someone who can feel and enjoy right now instead of always looking to the future. I want someone to show me the good and the beautiful parts of life and maybe even to appreciate the idea that sometimes things, people, don't have to make sense. If everything made sense, and was easily analyzed and categorized, I definately would be bored.

And what if I found these things? What if I found these things and more? Would it hit me in the face like a ton of bricks? Would I be able to say, this is the girl for me for sure?

It makes me think of tanking. When the World of Warcraft expansion came out, I was the newbiest 60 warrior ever. I'd never really tanked anything challenging and I pretty much sucked. Nothing changed for a while, I just kept sucking, until one day, it just kind of clicked. I realized I'd been too focused on certain aspects that weren't important and not focused enough on other aspects that I didn't even realize were an issue. Ever since, tanking has been great instead of an uphill battle. People even regularily tell me what a great tank I am, huzzah.

Thats how I feel about life right now. An overwhelming sense of "Ohhh so that's how it's supposed to go!". A feeling like, from here on out things will be alot clearer. It clicked.

We will consult: The Fingers

Once upon a time, I chased girls, who doesn't? I chased some girls for the wrong reasons. No question. It's hard to feel good about it, and surely I'm part of the reason why some women think men are scum. Sometimes it's confusing, but I think tidbits bubble out of the sub-conscious, like seeing the weather on a distant horizon.

Once I was chasing a particular girl, who I've since had a chance to apologize to unlike some who are long gone. I was working on a construction team, renovating apartments. I nearly effortlessly scribbled this on the floor, it seemed to come out so naturally I still remember it by heart.

Long summer nights seem short
When exiled with one so loved
Nothing to do but court
You're latest beautiful dove
Until she bows on hands and knees and worships you as the sky
You're lies have won one over again
Yet in guilt all you want is to die

I thought, well, that's pretty good, but do I really feel that way? Obviously I never showed her that. I tucked it away, thinking it was just randomly inspired. Read: Denial. Even though I don't have that poem written down anywhere, I've remembered it for ~8 years.

Sometimes it's still hard to know if I'm hungry or I'm just looking for blood. When a cat runs, a dog will chase it, you know? Who's to say what I'm keeping from myself.

I haven't been able to focus at work all week. I've done nearly nothing. There's only so much room for all this shit in my head, so when words began to form, fingers began to type. Filters off. I'm almost afraid who might read this, but thats the whole point of this blog. Feelings are a dangerous thing to have in this world, especially for a man, but I'm getting tired of living in a shell.

It's heavy, it's soft
Senses having trouble
I'm big, I'm small
Thoughts are racing double

Green grass I knew
No matter how I lie
Not brown, Not dead
You're new
Sea of green I can't deny

Blue sky it's true
No matter how I try
Not gray, Not red
You're you
It's nothing but Blue sky

Formless clouds you too
Shaping in my eye
Not this, Not that
Always new
All shapes formed do die

Its massive, dense and delicate
A lucent sheen cuts through
Tastes like love and smells like home
With room inside for two

The clouds can be our pillows
The sky can be our view
The grass can be our bed
In a dream we drew

Patience

Patience is something nearly everyone can work on. Certainly I could use some practice, and practice is what I'm getting. It's one of those days where I could jump in my car after work and just keep driving until I hit warmth. Yet even that fantasy has it's massive gaping holes, sending me right back into the merciless bosom of the wait. In one sense driving off would avoid the need for patience at work, where I need it right now, yet in another sense I'll still be waiting.

Waiting for something causes anxiety. Anxiety causes time to slow down. Time slowing down increases the duration of the wait, further fueling the anxiety, and so it goes. I suppose the limit will be when time comes to a complete halt and my stomach implodes from the tension.

Then again, perhaps the waiting is just a scapegoat. It's easy to shoot the messenger. Perhaps the real culprit is the desire. Let go of the desire and there is nothing to wait for. That would be the Buddhist solution. However right now it seems like another cop out. Reminds me of someone who chooses not to play a game because they can't always win. Is this particular desire quellable? What if ignoring it removes the wait for a while, and replaces it with a wait for the rest of my life? Yet now that I read that, it just sounds like fear.

On the upside, at least I feel engaged. I am inspired to do and create which is a welcome change from the past few years. Almost like an infusion of restless energy, which definitely has it's ups and downs. It's an odd mix. I feel like I'm practically bouncing off the walls, yet at the same time I must do so alone. No one really wants to know and I couldn't communicate anyway. After having a fist full of life forced in my face, it seems inconceivable to go back to shooting the shit and getting high. I suppose once you get a taste of gourmet you never go back. And so I wait.

Zero Concentration

It's true, I'm supposed to be fixing a security leak on some of my .asp pages right now. Problem is, I can't keep a straight thought in my head. There are too many completely unrelated questions bouncing around up there to even attempt to dissect some random dudes database queries. I'm not normally one for planning, but here I am attempting to cook one up. Catch is, these damn unanswered, and as of yet unasked, questions.

I'm not normally one to try to manipulate the natural course of events, but when you've been out to sea this long and you spot some land I it might be time to think about adjusting the sails a bit. However, before you land your boat and potentially risk the entire crew, it would be prudent to scout the area. Thus we arrive at questions, questions that need answers.

I'm fully prepared for this land to be hostile, uninhabitable, or over-crowded, and if such is the case, I will have no qualms setting sail once again. However sailing by without at least an investigation seems like folly, especially when the wind seems to be blowing me in anyway. All it takes is one act of bravery to scout the shore. Sure nobody wants to get devoured by wild beasts, but perhaps this is one of those times when the risk is worth the potential gain.

long slow strokes

the chips fall where they may
but where they lay they'll stay
no second chance on days long past
but lessons learned and paid do last
and wisdom gleaned can hold us fast
we splash around we're sure to drown
relax, dont pray, let's float away

WoW cancelled

So the real question is, now WTF do I do with myself? So I'm on WoW boards and I read that even the new BG loot is going to require arena rating. Fuck arenas man. There is nothing MMO or RPG about arena.

So I continue reading the many many posts that clearly explain why arenas suck and how the arena focus is damaging the game. In one particularly long thread a CM (community manager, aka Blizzard representative) actually has the balls to say, and I quote, "People who say arenas suck don't actually think arenas suck." and goes on to explain they usually have a problem with something "related" to arena. Fuck that man. I think arenas suck.

Then some random poster says something fairly rude like "You're just a peon towing the company line". It wasn't exactly that, but that's the just of it and he definitely called the CM, Drysc, a peon. A good CM would just delete the post, maybe give the person a ban, and STFU. What does Drysc do? He fucking has the nuts to post "Enjoy your 3-day vacation. I post what I want. I say what I want." He fucking said that?! WTF. So I posted and said "Anyone who knows anything about public relations knows that you are either A) Lying or B) delusional. Where do you get off telling me whether or not I think arenas suck? Guess what? I think arenas suck."

I then replied in someone else's "I quit because of arena ratings on BG gear" thread. I even commented that as I was going to the WoW page I was assaulted by they're "JOIN ARENA TOURNAMENT!" splash page. GAH!

Shortly after I received a ban from the forum and all my posts were deleted. WTF? I didn't even swear or anything, I thought I was being quite reasonable, much more reasonable then many of the posters I see getting away with all kinds of shit every day. But hey, I called out a CM and he took it personal, what a dipshit. Drysc will be gone soon, he's just another Tseric / Gfraizer who's getting too big for his britches. Whatever.....

Point is, fuck WoW, fuck arena, and most of all, fuck the cesspool that is WoW forums.

Except now I'm realizing, video games are mostly pretty boring unless you're playing with friends. The only friends I know who game.... are all playing WoW. lol? I need a new hobby.

Ok, I have to get back to work. Stupid webpage is breaking my mind so I needed to procrastinate somehow. Since Lauren doesn't seem to be blogging anymore, and the WoW forums suck balls, the Buddhist forums are a giant hairsplitting contest, www.whatreallyhappened.com is completely one sided and even when you do find some good information it's usually mega depressing, even the Hellgate boards are no fun to troll anymore because all the other trolls left long ago. Basically all the ways I used to procrastinate, aren't cutting it. Now all I can do is rant on this blog. Huzzah.

/end rant