Patience

Patience is something nearly everyone can work on. Certainly I could use some practice, and practice is what I'm getting. It's one of those days where I could jump in my car after work and just keep driving until I hit warmth. Yet even that fantasy has it's massive gaping holes, sending me right back into the merciless bosom of the wait. In one sense driving off would avoid the need for patience at work, where I need it right now, yet in another sense I'll still be waiting.

Waiting for something causes anxiety. Anxiety causes time to slow down. Time slowing down increases the duration of the wait, further fueling the anxiety, and so it goes. I suppose the limit will be when time comes to a complete halt and my stomach implodes from the tension.

Then again, perhaps the waiting is just a scapegoat. It's easy to shoot the messenger. Perhaps the real culprit is the desire. Let go of the desire and there is nothing to wait for. That would be the Buddhist solution. However right now it seems like another cop out. Reminds me of someone who chooses not to play a game because they can't always win. Is this particular desire quellable? What if ignoring it removes the wait for a while, and replaces it with a wait for the rest of my life? Yet now that I read that, it just sounds like fear.

On the upside, at least I feel engaged. I am inspired to do and create which is a welcome change from the past few years. Almost like an infusion of restless energy, which definitely has it's ups and downs. It's an odd mix. I feel like I'm practically bouncing off the walls, yet at the same time I must do so alone. No one really wants to know and I couldn't communicate anyway. After having a fist full of life forced in my face, it seems inconceivable to go back to shooting the shit and getting high. I suppose once you get a taste of gourmet you never go back. And so I wait.