Man I'm fucking miserable. And you know, when you tell people that, usually they are full of advice. Fucking retarded advice. Maybe if I had a lifetime to explain myself to you, you could give me some worthwhile advice, but in general, your advice can go to hell.
I keep thinking somehow WoW and weed and my many other vices are preventing me from being happy. But somehow "happy" gets mixed up in there and replaced with lonely. Suddenly I think I want to replace all these things by surrounding myself with people. But then everytime I do fuckin hang out with people they just drive me crazy. Thats when I realize I'm just replacing one vice with another. It's like drinking booze to help you quit smoking weed, which I've also done.
How does this make any fuckin sense?
You know... I want to quit all these things I've called "vices" but what the fuck else am I supposed to do? Just sit, all day and all night? What do you do when you don't like anything, and nothing is fun?
People call WoW a hamster wheel, even I have. Thing is, you get out of that hamster wheel and you're just back into the bigger hamster wheel of life where you get to run until you're dead. Driven by fear of death, by fear of hunger, fear of having control over your own life fall into someone else's hands. For what? When does the fucking good part come? It's no fucking wonder people invented a place like heaven, cause it stands to reason that perhaps there's some decent reason for this rat race. However that's totally false logic. That's like saying life is fair.
Other times like this I've said "This is as good as it gets. You aren't hungry, you got air to breathe, you aren't in physical pain. Just accept it and be happy." But it's just not working today. Feels like it's hard to enjoy pizza for the 100th day in a row, metaphorically speaking. Heh and right as I think, I don't know what I want that would make me feel fine, I know, nothing I can get will make me feel better. It's got nothing to do with what I have or don't have, or what I'm doing or not doing. There is no cure for this.
I think the icing on the cake is that... I'm at work, about to get off in 20 minutes, and I couldn't care less. What the hell am I gonna do when I get off work? Facking nothing. What am I doing at work? Facking nothing. I don't even know what I want to do after work. I hate that feeling. I like to think I work my job so I can have fun and be happy the rest of the time. Not so I can get off work and say "uhhh now what?". I'll probably end up playing WoW, not because I want to, but just, you know, familiar patterns. It's like how water will take the path of least resistance.
It's days like this I'm thankful I'm not immortal.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Only One Cure for the Disease of Life
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1 comment:
It's interesting what you said about Heaven. I've often thought the same thing. I mean, to me it makes sense: Christianity came around when while the rich were very rich, the poor were very poor. So, it seems fitting that the poor people would believe in a place like Heaven - live in poverty and work your ass off for a lifetime, and when you're finally done, go hang with God and his Angels on a cloud for eternity. Just be quiet keep your head down, don't make a fuss, and you'll get your reward...
I know that's just one version of Heaven and different religions have different ideas of their own after lives, but I'm just throwing that one out there.
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