Weak Beggining

Funny how you can have a million random thoughts bouncing around in your brain yet when it comes time to put pen on paper (or fingers on keys in this case) there's nothing.

Currently reading Freud theories, re-reading I should say. I'm not sure if it's because I wan't to figure out other people or myself. His theories on Id, Ego, and Superego remind me of things I've learning visiting E-Sangha (www.lioncity.net/buddhism) which is a Buddhist forum where I learned (or was linked to) pretty much everything I know about Buddhism. I suppose I already read some very short books. They had to be short, because I have a short attention span. AFK washroom.....

Well now that the ice is broken, I'm content to just ramble on to myself, since likely I will end up reading this more then anyone else. Seems my memory just doesn't have extra room these days, so I better fuckin write this shit down if I ever want to remember anything.

Some guy on the Buddhist forum posts "is using psychic powers to win the lottery wrong?" man... some fucking people. It just makes you wonder if they missed the whole point? IF (big if) enlightened people DO INDEED have psychic powers... do you think they give a rats ass about the lottery? The fact that this guy cares about the lottery clearly demonstrates he's not enlightened which even further reduces the believability that he has psychic powers. And as someone just posted... just because random numbers pop into your head doesn't mean they are lottery numbers. The lottery bit is a self intepretation and a sign of greed, clinging and attatchment.

Ah yes, a little more of me projecting my superego on others. Clearly worded on this site.

"The Superego Inside Oneself but Directed at Someone Outside "
http://www.freud.org.uk/superego.html

I think I've been doing this pretty hardcore for a month or two. Feels like I am generating some pretty seriously bad karma these last months. When you just want to lash out at stupid people and infuriate them because their stupid comments infurate me so much I need revenge or something.... yea... that's bad. It's not going to get me anywhere, but I apparently love to tell people when they are wrong in the most blunt manner possible. Sometimes I even manage to convince myself that I am just about always right.... what a horribly unattractive quality.

Speaking of unattractive, I'm sick of attraction. It's easy to be attracted to someone, catch is it almost never turns out as good as you would think. And by almost never, I mean never. There's such a huge gap to bridge between men and women I sometimes wonder if it's worth the effort. Of course that's not to say I'm gay. I just think sex has got to be one of the most over-rated things on the planet, yet since I am "blessed" with a pair of nuts, I can't stop thinking about it. How nice. And thankfully society is kind enough to constantly display flawless half naked females everywhere possible while at the same time displaying the most idealized men possible thus making everyone miserable. You can't compete with your own sex's ideal, and you'll never get the other sex's ideal, but lets all torture ourselves about it so we can sell some shit. Don't I sound like an emo girl? Yes I do.

Hey self, stop being such an emo crybaby bitch and blaming everyone else for your problems eh? Show some fucking discipline eh? Is conciousness in control of the mind, or am I going to just let my mind wander all willy nilly doing whatever it wants? Heh.... I suppose I can tell myself that all I want. I'm not sure if discipline will ever conquor loneliness though. I'd like to think it can.

I can't help it. I can help it. Hmmm. I like to say modern society likes to adpot a "I can't help it" attitude. Blame genetics, blame upbringing, blame your friends, your environment, your job, the government, whatever, it's not my fault, I can't help it. It frustrates me because people don't accept responsibility for their own actions. Like a post on the Blizzard forums the other day. Someone was asking if Blizzard was taking any action to be responsible and make their game less addictive. First of all addictive is a loaded word and people throw it around without defining it which pisses me off. The whole modern concept of "addiction" is just another way of saying "it's not my fault I can't help it". Anyway to shed the blame right? Second of all, if people get addicted to WoW it's their own goddamn fault, not Blizzards. I mean shit... should Ice Cream vendor's be taking action to ensure people who eat ice cream are eating responsibly? It's fucking ridiculous if you take this addiction thing too far.

There's some more bad karma for me. Why do I require all the strong language? For some reason I must curse to make my point? Ungh... this is one of those things I sway back and forth on. Curse language... is it bad? Makes some people uncomfortable I think. But at the same time when people tell me to stop swearing, man it makes me want to swear up a storm. How about I fucking curse up and fucking down shitting all over your values and completely fucking disrespecting anything you care about cause I'm an ass who doesn't give a shit. Then I like to point out that despite my swearing, the person is still ok, they are breathing, seemingly healthy, and don't appear to be physically affected. Pretty cold way of thinking about it I guess. It's like if someone's standing on the edge of the pool saying "is the water cold?" and you just throw them in instead of answering. Shit, they'll live right? At the same time... they'll die eventually too. Is what really matters what happens on the physical plane, or is their emotional state what really matters? Then again, what is the impact on my emotional state when someone else wants to censor my speech?

I suppose what makes foul language bad is the hightened emotions that come with it. I suppose I swear so much cause I'm this big fucking ball of anxiety unless I'm totally stoned. Then when you get totally stoned you don't really pay attention to what your saying and just swear all nonchelant like. I suppose calm swearing is ok. When I say things like "Stop fucking standing in the whirlwind!" the hightened emotional value attatched to the curse is probably not helping. Just some more bad karma.

I say karma but I'm not sure thats what I really think. I don't beleive in rebirth or reincarnation in the literal sense, that's for sure. If anything my philosophy on rebirth is something like waves on the ocean. Is a wave a wave? Is it itself? Or is it just a part of the ocean. When does a wave start and when does a wave end? Another wave can appear in the same place at another time, but is it the same wave? Sort of..... not really. Thats how I think of rebirth. Like some big pool of conciousness. Like taking a small chunk of play-dough from a big chunk, then putting it back on, mushing it all up, then taking another small chunk off. You never really get the exact same chunk twice but it's all the same play-dough.

I do feel however that negativity festers in a person. This is what I mean by karma. I guarentee thinking bad things about everyone around you will make you more miserable then thinking good things about everyone around you. The catch is not to think TOOOO good things about everyone around you, otherwise you're going to get scammed, and walked all over. It's hard to find that balance though. Getting scammed, used, or walked on, sure turns you (and me) into a jaded, grumpy, son of a bitch. Not to say I've been scammed or walked on lately. I'm just being a grumpy son of a bitch for no reason.

This post has probably gone on long enough, I better end it and start a new one before it becomes a massive TLDR wall of text.